microjournal

I feel like such a failure.

Having an anxiety disorder is often like living in a real-life episode of Groundhog’s Day. You get back up, anxiety is reset to your abnormally high baseline and you proceed through the day. By the end of the day, the anxiety could be very low, almost normal. Doesn’t matter. You’ll go to sleep and wake up starting at the beginning all over again and again and again.

I am in Vegas. Attending a conference at the Venetian. It’s busy. It’s very intensely busy. If I never had to go back to the casino level, I’d be happy. The smells, the sounds, the visuals, it’s all too much for my little brain. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like my brain is short circuiting. Getting from check-in to my room feels like running an ultra marathon. And now I’m exhausted. I just want to hide in the room.

With that said, I’ve ventured out, not much but enough to test myself a bit and I’ve done okay — but I prefer not to be in this hectic, overwhelming environment.

Saturday morning. One of the patterns I have recognized is that of early morning anxiety. It seems most mornings when I wake, it isn’t feeling relaxed and refreshed, it’s feeling scared. And how I react tends to frame the rest of the day. Do I give into the fear and spiral? Or do I take a deep breath, let the anxiety settle, and then go on with my day?

Made it to LA. Spent most of the day yesterday worried about the flight, then the flight was delayed for almost an hour due to weather, having to deice, but once in the air, the anxiety melted away. Landed and hit a Mexican street market for dinner, it was really nice. A bit loud and crowded for me, some of the “supermarket syndrome” started to kick in but I just sat with it — and enjoyed some amazing tacos :)

One other note on being in LA, consistently, my last 5 trips here, I feel so much calmer, relaxed, and my resting heart rate drops by 10-15 BPM. Not sure what to make of that.

The day is here. Time to fly. I’ve kept the anticipatory anxiety down for the most part but it really started to rise last night. Didn’t sleep well. Filled with nervous energy. Playing out different scenarios in my mind. What if this happens. What if I feel that way. What will I do. It’s the same known pattern on repeat.

Tomorrow is the day. Time to jump on a flight. When I fly, I usually try to schedule my flights as early in the morning as I can. Less time to sit around and think about it. But the flight tomorrow is at 4pm. So the question is, do I go about my day, getting stuff done. Or do I shut down and just ruminate and think and worry the whole day?

One of the things I’ve noticed when it comes to treating mental health disorders is that, save for medication, there seems to be a reluctance to prescribe anything.

It’s always, you could try deep breathing or yoga or meditation or stretching or eating fermented foods.

It’s never, you should go for a walk every morning at 8am, eat 1 clove of garlic and a handful of greens for lunch, do 20 minutes of yoga after work.

I’ve even asked therapists directly, “Can you prescribe me…” and they say no, that isn’t our role.

But for my brain, I need the prescription, not just the ideas of what I can try, so I created my own via a custom iPhone app that I spun up and put on my phone.

So far. So good.

I fly to LA on Thursday. The airport is one of the scariest places for me. The noise, the sounds, the hugeness of it. It overwhelms my senses. I feel off, really off, like I’m walking on the deck of a ship. My head spins but I’m not spinning. My hands sweat. I feel like I need to run. Get out of there. Usually, the anticipation of going to the airport builds weeks in advance, I’m a wreck, I’m sick, I can’t sleep. The anxiety just grows and grows. This time, I’m anxious, really anxious, but I’m trying to just let it be.

Seventeen years since I started writing here. The anxiety never left. But I stopped talking about it. Starting again feels like standing at the edge of something — not sure if it’s a cliff or a doorway. Guess I’ll find out.