What Goes Up….

So I’m frustrated, to put it in a nice way. This must be what Hell feels like.

Today my anxiety has peaked at around an 8 out of 10. I’m worried about an upcoming trip with my family, I’m worried about a party in a few weeks, I’m worried about the poor financial performance of the company I work for. All of these fears manifest themselves in a very physical way. My hands are ice cold. My neck and shoulders are extremely tense. My breathing is shallow. My balance is gone. My sleep is poor.

Fear breads more fear.

Anxiety creates more anxiety.

As is evident from my lack of posts on here, I had been starting to feel really great, now it feels like I’m heading for a low again and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m sure part of it is because I have an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday. Every time I think about it, my brain reminds me its almost been a year since I started seeing him and I’m still not “healed”. My brain tells me this is because I don’t really have anxiety, I have something very sinister, I have something catastrophic. At this point, what could possibly be worse than anxiety?

As I write this it is 3:30 and I’ll I can do is watch the clock so that at 5 I can run home and crawl into the safety of my bed. For some reason, if I’m going to die, I would rather be in my own bed.