I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore

I’m tired of this, I really am.  Tired of wasting my life.  Tired of just sitting here waiting for something bad to happen.  This November will mark three years, 3 YEARS, that I have been thinking the worst is about to happen.  That is 3 years I could have been enjoying the world around even if the worst was going to happen today but I lost that time, its gone and I can’t get it back.

I had a dream last night that I purchased a punching bag from a local sporting goods store and after getting it home I spray painted the words “anxiety” “hypochondria” and “fear” on it.  I began punching the words on the bag, I punched harder and harder.  I was angry.  I was pissed off.  I didn’t stop punching until my hands were covered in blood.

I’m pissed off at this illness right now.  I’m pissed off that it is stealing my life.  I’m pissed off that I am unable to enjoy things that other people take for granted.  I’m pissed off that I’m missing out on some amazing memories that I will never NEVER get back.

I don’t want to do this anymore!