Lunch with the Boys

A couple friends from work wanted to go to a local sandwich shop to watch the Italy vs. French soccer match during lunch. I’m a big fan of Italian soccer and I did want to see the match but my mind told me otherwise. I thought about coming up with an excuse for why I couldn’t go or maybe schedule a meeting so I could “get out of it” but as the hour drew nearer the odds of me going were slowing rising.

Before I knew it, we were sitting around the table, eating our sandwiches as the game kicked off. I told myself “its ok, you’ll eat your sandwich, watch the first half of the game, then head back to work, you can do that.” I felt my body tense up, my breathing go from constricted to near hyperventilation, of course my friends were unaware, I think. There were a few jolts of anxiety that shot through my body, that familiar feeling of adrenaline being dumped into your blood stream telling you to get up and run.

I wanted to, I really did, but I sat there and enjoyed the game, as much as I could. As half time neared, I told myself I need to sit here for the entire game, for my friends and for me. I can’t run away. No matter how uncomfortable it is, I need to sit here, feel the discomfort and just be. So that is what I did. I sat in the restaurant for 2 and a half hours, full of people coming in and out, noise, distractions, anxiety, fear but damnit, I did it.

I thought that perhaps I was further ahead than I am but this was a good benchmark, I spent a lot of time out, I could have run away but didn’t, I survived. I need to stop telling myself “why are you so anxious? why are you so anxious? why are you so anxious?” while I’m out but that will come in time. I knew today would be a day of therapy and I needed it, no matter how painful that therapy is, it is driving me towards a better place.