Days Gone By

It was November 2005 when this latest phase of anxiety/health anxiety began. I laid in bed last night thinking about all the days gone by, 900+ days that I have not fully enjoyed because in the back of my mind I thought that each one of those days would be my last. Looking back, those are 900 days I will never get back, 900 days that I could have enjoyed but didn’t.

I was almost at the point of tears last night, wondering how many birthdays will go by, how many events will go by, how many opportunities will go by. When you are in the grips of fear, even if it is just in the back of your mind, you can’t be fully present. Can you remember how life was as a care free child? How enjoyable the simple things in life were? I would love to be able to enjoy simple things like going grocery shopping or doing the dishes. I want to be able to go out to eat with my family and truly enjoy it not just do it, not just be there physically but be there emotionally and until I can climb out of my mind I will never be fully present.

Everyone around me, my doctor, my friends, my family, tells me that I am doing great, I am making amazing progress but I just can’t see it in myself. I wake up thinking, why can’t I get better? Why am I not improving? What do others see in me that I don’t? I just want to be happy, that is all I really want.