ARGHHHHH....I WAN'T TO SCREAM

When I first started seeing a psychologist I complained of the “Sunday Evening Terror”. It was this feeling of complete fear of having to return to work the next morning. This fear would typically set in around 3 in the afternoon, ruining the rest of the day. At this point in my life, I was having daily panic attacks during the week, I would hold on for dear life to make it to the weekend so that I could have a bit of rest. The weekends would consist of me locking myself inside my house, begging for more time to recuperate from the week before. By Saturday morning I would begin to feel half human again, as long as I didn’t have to leave the house, and would enjoy being safe until the dreaded Sunday afternoon came along.

I would work myself up so much that my worst panic attacks would typically occur on my drive into work on Monday mornings, many times I would have to drive the back roads to work and other times the attacks would be so terrible I would turn around and return home citing an “upset stomach”. I would lay in my bed feeling depressed and defeated. Slowly the Sunday Terror began to creep out, it wouldn’t set in until 8 or 9 at night, then it wouldn’t come on until Monday morning upon waking, then not until I got in the car to drive to work and finally it was gone.

This overwhelming fear is gone but there are still Monday mornings when my anxiety is higher than normal. For example today, not a Monday but still the first day back at work following the weekend, I just felt off, I felt the anxiety creeping back in. I became so frustrated, 5 days of feeling great, a fantastic weekend, I had the upper hand and here it comes back in full force. Am I going to pass out? Do I have MS? Maybe it is ALS this time. Could it be Lyme Disease?

Eventually I had to tell myself it doesn’t matter what I have. I have to stop playing the role of patient, of victim and start enjoying the moment, no matter what that moment is. Although this sounds simple, it is far from it. Especially when you go from having a wonderful day to the next day being full of fear and doubt, thinking you will never get better.

So yes, I want to scream, I want to be upset but recovery takes time. I am now having good days and bad, instead of good hours and bad, I am making progress and I can enjoy life with or without anxiety.