Weekend Recap

I’m back from the mountain. Yesterday, I had worked myself up into such a panic there was no way that I was going to be able to drive the 60 miles so I had my wife drive. I sat in the front seat in a half comatose state and as we approached the mouth of the canyon, I wanted so badly to plead with her to turn the car around and take me home.

I tried to slow my mind down, I took deep breaths, I counted my breath, I challenged my negative thoughts and before I knew it we had arrived at our destination. At this point, after hours of worry, I was exhausted and my stomach was weak, and I was glad just to lay on the bed and watch TV.

As the hours passed, I began to feel more comfortable with my surroundings and by about 7 PM that night, I was relaxed enough to enjoy the moment. Quickly morning came and the panic and fear returned:

• “what if you pass out while taking the bags to the car?”
• “why do I feel so weak, there is no way this is anxiety”
• “I wish I could just enjoy a relaxing weekend!!!”

Again, I worked to calm myself down and this time was able to make the drive, in the driver’s seat of the car. The drive was ok, no fear, no panic, but my mind was awash with thoughts. I was really beating myself up. Rather than congratulating myself on taking this great step forward, I attacked myself for being so weak, for allowing my anxiety to put a damper on a weekend away from home.

As I walked through the door of my home, it was almost a miraculous transformation, my body went lose, my mind relaxed and I felt at peace. I was happy that I made the choice to go away for the weekend, rather than avoiding — I could have easily taken an out and avoided the trip.

Now I sit at my computer, documenting the facts as I see them, wondering again if I ever will recover, if this thing we call “anxiety” is real or whether this is all some bazaar dream that I will wake up from.